Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
