it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
