I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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