So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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