Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
