allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did I show you my penis last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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