What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
