I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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