First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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