I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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