this boner is exhausting
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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