I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i think i have two assholes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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