Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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