ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
