Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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