I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
