The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
