Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize