Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
