Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
