i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
