I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
