You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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