I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I love you. Go after that dick
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
