I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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