I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
