sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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