I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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