How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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