He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
