Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize