There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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