please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
