My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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