That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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