Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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