Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
