i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I pour the whiskey from now on
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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