I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
