Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
