I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
