i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
