he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Actions speak louder than pants.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Mom said you looked used
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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