Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
