I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think your dad took our porno
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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