Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
