Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
