when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i out mim tonsoeep
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