I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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