dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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