Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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