There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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