It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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