This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
