i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
