Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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