And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
