My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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