I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
