Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
